Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize