If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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