Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
