Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
