textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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