Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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