I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
