Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
