did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
