woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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