my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We need to get me chipped asap
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
