I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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