if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize