All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
