Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
