So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
