I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
