if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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