My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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