the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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