She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
