I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i wish my penis had a tongue
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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