I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i out mim tonsoeep
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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