At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
even my farts smell like vagina
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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