I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
