I faked an abortion last night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
