'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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