yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
