just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i out mim tonsoeep
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