So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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