He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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