Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
