$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
