my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
