I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
