I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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