just survived the first fart of the relationship.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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