i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
