we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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