Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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