I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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