Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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