well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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