working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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