Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
