I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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