A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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