I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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