rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
ttyl tear gas
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
