honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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