omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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