I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
