I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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