I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
