well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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