He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
