we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
