i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
