I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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