Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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