What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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