haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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