Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
